I have a screwed up family. Plain and simple. I was born in this hysteria of crazy people. True story. I was born to parents who were to young to have me, went through the foster care system and bounced around until I was 9. I was adopted and I rebelled in every way possible throughout my teen years. I grew up and had a family of my own, now my dad is gone, and I wish I had more time with him. My mother makes certain she has nothing to do with me, my biological grandfather has passed without my ever getting to talk to him again and in the middle of all this, my grandmother (on my dads side) is fighting for her life. Nothing goes as planned, ever. I'm old enough now to know to appreciate those you have around you who love you and care about you and to get rid of those who do not. However, some part of me still thinks I can hold on to those who I want to love me. It's petty, I know.
Through all of this I have learned that I grow, each and every day. I'm not perfect, I fail miserably often. I forgive and apologize and move on. I don't know why God let me go through all of the things he let me go through unless there was some bigger purpose for my life. I still haven't quite figured out what it is yet, but I'm finding that through my husband and I, we could have a powerhouse under God. I mean it, if we could just get our acts together, we could. We're praying for it.
My husband grew up in a very screwy world too, where nothing went right and he always felt less than because of how he was treated. But he got past it all and is a great man because of it. He learned a long time ago to make it on his own, he doesn't worry about what people think or say until it gets to a point that something must be done.
Lately that happened. We're so sick of being second best and treated without respect because we actually try to do the right thing. We aren't perfect but we try to make everyone feel invited and we care about others. We've held onto relationships that have been deteriorating for years and enough has just become ENOUGH. When it comes to a point that the people are flat out telling you that they don't care about you and that you aren't welcome, then you better get the hint, I guess we just didn't. I think we held on to this idea of what family should be for so long that we lost touch with the reality that we lost that battle a long time ago. Sure, we have some great family members, some that make us crazy but are still involved and still very much care about us. But as for the rest of them. We're done. If you don't care enough about us that we are not worth your time, money or respect. Good riddance.
If your not going to be an Aunt, Uncle, Brother, Sister, Cousin, Sister in law, Brother in law, Father in law, etc. in the proper sense of the word, then just say so. If you are so self centered that the only thing you care about is yourself, then stay away from other people, they don't need your drama. Don't pretend to care and don't kiss my ass to make nice. And don't blame us, when your the ones who are screwing up your kids, your life and your family. WE don't need it. And if you think that the way you treat people or the way you live your life is according to God's word, you haven't read it lately. I even know I don't have a guaranteed entrance into Heaven and I'm trying to do the right things according to His word. How can you think that you just deserve to go? No one DESERVES to go.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Happenings
So much has happened since I last wrote about my dad last year. I don't know why I didn't keep writing, but I didn't. I love to write, its in my soul but I find it so difficult to do now.
In August our son turned 1, it was a good birthday but I missed my dad not being there. In September my husband celebrated his birthday and in November we celebrated mine. It was my first birthday in a long long time. We invited friends and went to my favorite Italian restaurant. I had a wonderful time. I feel so blessed that friends were there to celebrate my big 25 with me! My husband, Luke and I also celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary. We had Thanksgiving at my parents home and Christmas came soon after my middle son, Benjamin 4th birthday. We hosted Christmas at our home for my husband's family and it was a pretty good time had by all. One of his brother's even dressed up as Santa. The kids were in awe.
January started our "slow" time at my husbands job so it became a little stressful, but by February we were planning to move into a house and things were looking up. We paid things off and got approved to move. I can't tell you how happy we were, yet it was bittersweet because we really did like the home we lived in, we were just outgrowing it and it needed work and we no longer could stand the neighborhood. We moved in March. Moving was stressful. In January I was diagnosed with Sinus Disease, which is basically just like having all this junk in your head and it causes headaches and tiredness and you just don't feel good. My migraines were HORRIBLE. I barely got us packed. We had some help, but in essence ended up doing the bulk of it ourselves. Luke swears if we move we will just hire a company. I say, if we move, we'll do it on a weekend and we'll get more people to help. LOL.
We eventually got settled and my daycare rebooted after months of nothing. Living where we lived was not good for business, it was just to far out from everyone. Luke celebrated a year at his new company and we are so very thankful for them. They truly care about their employees and do their best to not only have their employees make money for their families but give them rewards and have what I call "moral" meetings. It's a great company.
Since then we have basically been getting back to "normal", if we EVER have a "normal". But there are some things that are just bothering me to my core. Last year between August and December Christopher attended a "new" private school that was to be tuition free and I thought since we kind of knew the people running it, would be a great opportunity. It failed miserably as during that time Christopher was diagnoses with ADHD and they had no interest in working with it. He was devastated and I was angry. We eventually moved on because I realized that it really wasn't what I thought it was and that was that. We have been homeschooling since. Problem being, Benjamin is coming into school age and has been defiant about learning to read until just recently. He now wants to learn. And Christopher has ADHD and cannot stay focused on paperwork for to long. Oh and I run a daycare. So, what's bothering me? I want my kids to be successful and the elementary school close to us is small but has large class sizes, they will accomodate his ADHD and even have a program for gifted kids. BUT he will struggle with all the distraction and I DON'T have any interest in him learning from other kids things children do not need to know at this early age. So, there lies my problem. I don't know WHAT to do. I had decided on purely homeschooling, but then things happened and now I am back to thinking doing both part time. The school isn't answering their phones as of yet, so I have no definitive decision yet. I love my kids and I am not willing to just hand them over to other people to raise, I will be an active part of my child's life. That being said, it is a hard decision. I think parents who send their children away to school with the idea that they will "deal" with everything are idiots. Plain and simple. Your their parent. Why do you think God made them? So, here I am even today, bothered by what decision is best for our family and for my children. Even more specifically my son with ADHD.
Other things that are bothering me. The world, my health and my relationships with people. Quite frankly, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am affected by other people's decisions. I don't know why but God unleashed me in this world from day 1 with all kinds of pain and as I've grown, I've become increasingly educated about the way people operate and it scares me. I have always desperately wanted a big family and to have lots of friends and etc. And the older I get, the more I realize I am damn near the only person I know who could care about whether or not they make any effort to include people in their lives. People are so wrapped up in their own little world, myself included we don't care about dealing with other people and THEIR problems. I'm sick of it. If you don't CARE about me and my family then see ya later alligator. I'm done making myself sick over it.
I want to lose weight, I've had 3 children in 7 years and my weight gain does not make me happy. I've tried dieting and I don't exercise. So I know what the problem is, its just having the time. I have 3 kids and I run a daycare, I'd have to get up super early to go run or exercise and since I get basically no sleep then it's kind of unrealistic....right? Pretty soon I will be getting up again at 5:30 am to work, so maybe I'll be getting up at 5 to go walk? I've been telling my husband we need a treadmill. People say they don't use them, but when your stuck at home most of the time, you would. I just simply don't have time to go to a fitness center and I DO want to exercise but I HATE exercise videos. Ek.
And as far as the world is concerned: I don't have to even tell you why. You know why. Everyone knows why. We are a society of selfish, spoiled, sex crazed, technology ridden, so on and so forth people. Believe in God or not, our world is going to hell. Sure, there are lots of us, trying to be "good" people. But do we do enough for others? No. Luke and I have been discussing after watch the show "Secret Millionaire" what we can do help others. We love that show. No, we don't have millions to give away or even thousands, and some people on that show give and you can feel it, and others its like they gave just to look good because you know they had more to give. And on top of that, do they follow through with these charities? Do they continue to help them? I wonder. But before I judge others I have to ask myself what am I doing to help people more? We don't have a lot of time, between the daycare and Luke's work and having three children, our time is limited, but we can still do more.
In August our son turned 1, it was a good birthday but I missed my dad not being there. In September my husband celebrated his birthday and in November we celebrated mine. It was my first birthday in a long long time. We invited friends and went to my favorite Italian restaurant. I had a wonderful time. I feel so blessed that friends were there to celebrate my big 25 with me! My husband, Luke and I also celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary. We had Thanksgiving at my parents home and Christmas came soon after my middle son, Benjamin 4th birthday. We hosted Christmas at our home for my husband's family and it was a pretty good time had by all. One of his brother's even dressed up as Santa. The kids were in awe.
January started our "slow" time at my husbands job so it became a little stressful, but by February we were planning to move into a house and things were looking up. We paid things off and got approved to move. I can't tell you how happy we were, yet it was bittersweet because we really did like the home we lived in, we were just outgrowing it and it needed work and we no longer could stand the neighborhood. We moved in March. Moving was stressful. In January I was diagnosed with Sinus Disease, which is basically just like having all this junk in your head and it causes headaches and tiredness and you just don't feel good. My migraines were HORRIBLE. I barely got us packed. We had some help, but in essence ended up doing the bulk of it ourselves. Luke swears if we move we will just hire a company. I say, if we move, we'll do it on a weekend and we'll get more people to help. LOL.
We eventually got settled and my daycare rebooted after months of nothing. Living where we lived was not good for business, it was just to far out from everyone. Luke celebrated a year at his new company and we are so very thankful for them. They truly care about their employees and do their best to not only have their employees make money for their families but give them rewards and have what I call "moral" meetings. It's a great company.
Since then we have basically been getting back to "normal", if we EVER have a "normal". But there are some things that are just bothering me to my core. Last year between August and December Christopher attended a "new" private school that was to be tuition free and I thought since we kind of knew the people running it, would be a great opportunity. It failed miserably as during that time Christopher was diagnoses with ADHD and they had no interest in working with it. He was devastated and I was angry. We eventually moved on because I realized that it really wasn't what I thought it was and that was that. We have been homeschooling since. Problem being, Benjamin is coming into school age and has been defiant about learning to read until just recently. He now wants to learn. And Christopher has ADHD and cannot stay focused on paperwork for to long. Oh and I run a daycare. So, what's bothering me? I want my kids to be successful and the elementary school close to us is small but has large class sizes, they will accomodate his ADHD and even have a program for gifted kids. BUT he will struggle with all the distraction and I DON'T have any interest in him learning from other kids things children do not need to know at this early age. So, there lies my problem. I don't know WHAT to do. I had decided on purely homeschooling, but then things happened and now I am back to thinking doing both part time. The school isn't answering their phones as of yet, so I have no definitive decision yet. I love my kids and I am not willing to just hand them over to other people to raise, I will be an active part of my child's life. That being said, it is a hard decision. I think parents who send their children away to school with the idea that they will "deal" with everything are idiots. Plain and simple. Your their parent. Why do you think God made them? So, here I am even today, bothered by what decision is best for our family and for my children. Even more specifically my son with ADHD.
Other things that are bothering me. The world, my health and my relationships with people. Quite frankly, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am affected by other people's decisions. I don't know why but God unleashed me in this world from day 1 with all kinds of pain and as I've grown, I've become increasingly educated about the way people operate and it scares me. I have always desperately wanted a big family and to have lots of friends and etc. And the older I get, the more I realize I am damn near the only person I know who could care about whether or not they make any effort to include people in their lives. People are so wrapped up in their own little world, myself included we don't care about dealing with other people and THEIR problems. I'm sick of it. If you don't CARE about me and my family then see ya later alligator. I'm done making myself sick over it.
I want to lose weight, I've had 3 children in 7 years and my weight gain does not make me happy. I've tried dieting and I don't exercise. So I know what the problem is, its just having the time. I have 3 kids and I run a daycare, I'd have to get up super early to go run or exercise and since I get basically no sleep then it's kind of unrealistic....right? Pretty soon I will be getting up again at 5:30 am to work, so maybe I'll be getting up at 5 to go walk? I've been telling my husband we need a treadmill. People say they don't use them, but when your stuck at home most of the time, you would. I just simply don't have time to go to a fitness center and I DO want to exercise but I HATE exercise videos. Ek.
And as far as the world is concerned: I don't have to even tell you why. You know why. Everyone knows why. We are a society of selfish, spoiled, sex crazed, technology ridden, so on and so forth people. Believe in God or not, our world is going to hell. Sure, there are lots of us, trying to be "good" people. But do we do enough for others? No. Luke and I have been discussing after watch the show "Secret Millionaire" what we can do help others. We love that show. No, we don't have millions to give away or even thousands, and some people on that show give and you can feel it, and others its like they gave just to look good because you know they had more to give. And on top of that, do they follow through with these charities? Do they continue to help them? I wonder. But before I judge others I have to ask myself what am I doing to help people more? We don't have a lot of time, between the daycare and Luke's work and having three children, our time is limited, but we can still do more.
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