My Father-Born December 22, 1969-Died July 8, 2011

I thought about this blog all week long. See, in my heart I am a writer. I love to write but having kids has taken my time away from it. So, naturally when I was going through all of this, I just kept thinking about how much I wanted to write it all down.


Last Friday, July 8, 2011 was a stressful day. I had errands to run, went to Walmart where my children were less than behaved and the cashier was the most disrespectful customer service lady I have encountered. After two hours, I left the store in tears. I was also babysitting. At home I proceeded to tell the kids to go play while I got everything put away and had some time to cool down after the less than pleasant experience I just had. Amongst all of it, I got online to check my Facebook, where I found a message that said "I just found out my dad hung himself." on my brother's page. (I found out later he posted it because he couldn't get ahold of anyone) I immediately panicked and called the only person I could think of the time, my Aunt. I asked what was going on and she proceeded to tell me that my father had killed himself. I dropped to the ground sobbing in disbelief. I was alone with 4 kids waiting for my husband to get home from work. I called my husbands phone then his work and finally he called me back, I screamed through my tears into the phone that he needed to come home now...that my father killed himself. When he hung up I started calling the people I thought could help me, I don't really know why I called anyone, out of panic I suppose. First my friend, then my adoptive parents and etc. I didn't know all the details and so I called my Aunt back. Thats when I found out that my father hung himself.


What? I was in total shock, he did what? Why? Are they sure? I talked to my Uncle who was at the scene sorting everything out and my Aunt several times as we were both in shock. I called the child I babysit for mother to tell her to come get him and I talked on the phone and online to many people in a short amount of time. When my husband got home I cried, my oldest son was crying and hysterical and all I could do was sob. I didn't want to leave my kids but I needed to "do" something. I ended up going to my grandma's house and being there helped. I was there until 1 a.m. making phone calls, talking to family and crying. All of us were in shock.


Saturday came and it was time to make funeral arrangements and that was a very hard experience. There is nothing more painful than family fighting and the "simplicity" but "price" in the decision making when  someone dies. I never want to do that again. It took 4 hours and lots of tears and the arrangements where made. That night my brother and I went to our father's house and gathered his belongings. I collected things dear to me and dear to my boys. I even found a recording with his voice on it. It was painful, unreal and made me uneasy. While I was there, I stood where he died and my heart sank. None of this made any sense to me. I left and got home to my boys. Which was hard in itself, I had been away from them for a long time, the baby the longest. I felt so disconnected with everything.


Sunday I had to take the funeral home his clothes and go to my Uncle's to get pictures done for his memorial. The rest of the day is kind of a blur.


Monday my husband was able to be at home, his boss, knowing the circumstances told him to take the time off needed to be with me. For this I am so grateful, even more so that he is a fellow Christian. My grandma and I met with our Pastor to go over everything at 1 p.m. I don't remember much of Monday except I went to see my dad for the first time since he died. He looked like he was sleeping and I couldn't bear to touch him. But once I was alone I sat with him and told him how sorry I was and how he didn't have to do this and how much I loved him and was going to miss him. I was there for 2 hours. Afterwards with a friend of mine, we went to the store grabbed dinner and went home and worked on photo boards until 2 a.m.

Tuesday we took care of the kids and spent the day cleaning and etc. His visitation was at 6 p.m. I was there at 5 p.m. My husband and my 3 boys came early and my oldest was heart broken. He walked around just sobbing, taking pictures and just taking it all in. My middle son didn't understand and was asking lots of questions. At one point he folded his little arms next to the casket and bowed his head in prayer, knelt down beside him I heard him pray, "Thank you God for my Grandpa." This is something I will never forget. They left early because the emotions were to much for them to stay to long. My husband hugged me, pressed his face against mine and cried. Then they went home and I stayed. Our family stood in a line at the front and greeted everyone, we talked to those we knew and cried. People came that I didn't know and people came that I did, people came that I didn't expect to be there. My adoptive family came, one of my husbands brothers and friends of ours who attended our church came to support us. They played a video of pictures along with songs that meant a lot to each of us. For me it was this song: 

This song means a lot to me because it feels like what my dad would say to me. The night ended and I said goodbye in tears.

Wednesday was the funeral, it was at 10 a.m. and I was there a little after 9 a.m. My boys were spread out amongst Vacation Bible School, my husbands mother and a friend. We sat there and heard some beautiful songs, listened to Pastor talk and I read a poem I found online that felt like what my dad would say: 

When Tomorrow
Starts Without Me

When tomorrow starts without me,
and I'm not there to see; If the sun should rise and find your eyes,
all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry,
the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things,
we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name,
and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
in heaven far above,
and that I'd have to leave behind,
all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
a tear fell from my eye,
for all life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
so much yet to do,
it seemed almost impossible,
that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
just even for awhile,
I'd say goodbye and kiss you
and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized, that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
from His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity,
and all I've promised you".

Today for life on earth is past,
but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
but today will always last,
and since each day's the same day,
there's no longing for the past.

But you have been so faithful,
so trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things,
you knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven
and now at last you're free.
So won't you take my hand
and share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
for every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

I didn't write to poem, but somehow I managed to get through it and I felt peace while reading it. When the ceremony was done, we went to my father one last time and said goodbye. My cousins and brother carried him out the the hurst and we went inside to eat. We talked and when we finished one by one everyone started to leave. After everyone was gone my husband came back from getting our son from VBS and we headed home, unpacked and then headed to my grandmother's for a BBQ. It was an overall good time and the kids had fun. We went home and I prepared for my husband to go back to work the next day.

Thursday was VBS and Bible Study and trying to get the house back in order. 

Friday was stressful as well, we met at the cemetary to put the ashes in the wall. I was with my three boys and my babysitting kid and spent the entire time sweating and fighting to keep my kids close because there was a pond nearby. I received my keepsake urn and a lock of his hair. We said goodbye and I spent 10 minutes after everyone left trying to find my keys, which I had left in the back of the van. We left and I headed to get gas and went and got us milkshakes to cool us down. We headed home and the day was endless because it was exactly one week, at the same time my dad had killed himself. 

Saturday was filled with errands as my husband worked and babysitting and keeping house. I did get to spend the evening with a dear friend and go to dinner and laugh until I cried for the first time in a very long time and definitely the first time in over a week. I am thankful to have had that sort of "break" from reality.

Sunday, today was taking my kids to the Farmers Market and attending the VBS concert for my oldest son. We cleaned the house and put away our veggies from the market, spent time together and tried to relax. 

Everything is hard right now. It's hard because I don't know how to feel, what to say or even what to do. There are so many unanswered questions, so many emotions, regrets, and tears. You think you have all the time in the world, that things like this won't happen and then they do. I've been to funerals, but not to anyone I knew and loved like my dad. I lost my half sister 2 1/2 years ago and that was hard, but not nearly as hard as this. There is so much history here, so many things that didn't get said or time that didn't get spent together. Everyone has regrets, mine are just part of the package. The last time I saw him I was annoyed because he was shaving during my sons Birthday Party, I don't remember saying goodbye to him or even if I hugged him. My husband assures me I did, but I can't remember. He called me on Mother's Day and I was stressed because the baby was sick, the conversation was short and I don't remember if I told him I loved him. I didn't even realize it had been several weeks since we talked. I was so stressed and busy with money and my kids and time just got away from me. I wonder if I would have just called him, if it would have changed his course. He was not the type of man to do this type of thing and we are all struggling. No phone calls, no note, just realizations that something was going terribly wrong with dramatic weight loss, visions of things that weren't there and etc. None of this I was aware of until after he had died and my regret is not making more of an effort, despite my own troubles.

Today I am numb, its hard to cry, its hard to laugh. Its stressful. I'm feeling it, my husband is feeling it and the kids are feeling it. The world moves on, even if you want it to stop and it slows the healing process. I have learned who my true friends are and who I am not really that important to through this and its all becoming a reality of who to and who not to surround myself with. But I am trusting that God will allow him into his kingdom because with his mental illness he was unable to make all the right decisions. I am trying to cope through all of the emotions and trying not to hole myself up away from everyone, because it would be hurtful to many people. We are all trying to find a way to deal. But I am his daughter and through all the bad times, and there were many, there were good times, especially in the end. I believe that it was a struggle for both of us, but there was a peace. I had forgiven his mistakes and he made all the effort he was able to be a part of our lives. He loved my boys, adored them, kissed them, hugged them, played with them. He loved my husband, they talked about cars, etc. and my dad told him how grateful he was that my husband was such a good man. And I know, he loved me. Not just because he told me, but because I felt it. He often told me he was proud of me and after he died many people told me the things he expressed to them about how proud he was and happy he was for me, for the woman I had become, the mother I was and etc.

The good times and the memories are what I am trying to cherish. I don't think I will ever fully understand his decision and the questions that run through my mind. If it was drugs, then it was selfish, but I believe wholeheartedly that it had to of been Demons. I don't believe that he would have done this otherwise, call me crazy, but that's what I believe. So, I am looking to God for answers. I am praying for guidance, for help in understanding. I am praying for clarity on his decision and I am hoping that something makes itself known to me. I need a peace within all of this because to me it is still unreal. His body is now ashes and he is no longer here, but I keep waiting to see him again and when its quite and I am in bed at night, it becomes all to real that, that isn't going to happen any time soon. I am seeking some sign of his presence, but trying to bask in what I know to be God's around me right now. Rest in peace Dad, Rest in peace. 

Human Nature

Our "human nature" begins the day we are born, as time goes on progresses into what we are likely to be or likely to act like for the rest of our lives. Circumstances, events and of course the people that enter and exit our lives change, so we change. For instance, when I was growing up, people kept leaving my life, for no particular reason mind you. They left because they wanted to, because it was all just to "hard" for them. I often wonder-what about me? I didn't just get to get up and walk out the door. Regardless, that is what people did, so as time went on, my nature was not to trust anyone....but that didn't change my longing for love and for people to stay. Even today, its in my nature to grab hold of people and "love" them to death. It's also in my nature to be honest, despite that I lie sometimes (we all do), its my nature to be truthful. I am very uncomfortable lying. Another example for myself would be that I feel the need to control things around me....a very hard "nature" to lose. I don't expect to control people, that's not my goal, but its very hard to have any of these above things happen, or other things happen and for me to not be able to control the outcome. This is where God comes in...for me I am always praying, whether its "Please, God calm me." or "Please, God give me the strength." I am not the perfect Christian (if there is one-which there isn't) but I am avid about asking for his guidance-whether I listen all the time or not is a different story.

But "Human Nature" is something I find baffling at times. People are expected to be different, everyone has their own agendas, experiences, and etc. The thing that makes no sense to me is our ability to treat people badly because of our selfishness. For instance, a man who rapes a woman, is selfish. He wants sex, so he goes out and gets it. A teenage girl that makes fun of another teenage girl, is selfish because she has low self esteem. People who attend a church but never reach out to anyone outside their "comfort zone" are selfish. As Christians its our calling to bring others to God, to glorify him, to get outside our comfort zone and affect others. My experience has been that some of the best friends you'll make are people that make you "uncomfortable" at first. Stop being selfish. Families who abandon children, even if they are not their own, are selfish. Children need us. Get up and do something. There are so many other ways that people are just ignorant and selfish, there really is no way to list them all.

The saying that "people are basically good" is unfortunately NOT true. People are not basically good. People are basically bad. Being a "good" person takes work, lots of it and most of us are to busy in our own lives to even take a second look to how "good" of a person we are actually being. Our nature takes action and we do what we think we must do to survive. This realization has made me think about the many times I have treated people badly and the many times people have treated me badly. It makes me think about what I need to do to be a better person, to not be selfish. And it makes me pray that the people I know who continue to be selfish will realize that they are hurting themselves AND others. Our goal here, in this life should be to gain friends, love and support one another...whether we agree or not (that doesn't mean we sweep everything under the rug, it just means we deal with it). Our nature is to destroy everything...So, we go against it and we fight for what is right, what is God's and we win.

"Complaint Free" Christian

I am NOT a "Complaint Free" Christian.

Several years ago my husband and I passed a church that some family members of ours attended. There was a sign out front that said "Complaint Free Church". My husband made a comment about it and said "Maybe we should be Complaint Free Christians..." He was joking and since then its been a running joke between the two of us.

We have talked about our families and our church friends, the people we know and how everyone (mostly) expects you to be "complaint free". The definition of complain means: to express grief, pain or discontent. The definition of complaint means the same or dissatisfaction or something that is the cause or subject of protest or outcry. How in the world can we be Christians AND complaint free? Why would we not express our dissatisfaction with the world and all it has become? Why would we not outcry (a strong protect or objection) against those things that are against God's will? Our job is to bring others closer to God, to knowing Him and His will.....we are not going to acheive this by living in our own little world and sitting tight making friends, making people comfortable or by just going to church together. Here's a great song that comes to mind:

And another:

Even today I am in a battle with what is both spiritually and naturally wrong. As I am approached with such topics or notions I am constantly asking God "What do I do, What do I say?" Sometimes there is a mix between what God is telling me and what are my personal feelings. I try my best to base my personal feelings on what Gods word says, but sometimes Satan enters your mind. You have to be very careful not to let your gaurd down. Satan's lie to people often comes in the form of someone saying "What will unbelievers think?" For the most part, thats a good question. However, when a "Christian" says they believe in God and the bible and then also says they believe in sinning. What does THAT make unbelievers think? To me it makes them think "Man, they can't even get their stuff straight." Nothing makes us look worse, than being viewed as hypocritical and wavering.

This particular church that had that sign out front, has Christians that believe whatever they want to believe. Some believe in Hell, some think you make your own. Some think being gay is ok, some do not. Some believe in abortion, some don't. Etc. Etc. No one is placing what they believe wholeheartedly on the word of God. Most of them probably haven't read their bibles and if they have pick and choose what they want to believe instead of taking it for what it is. Churches we have attended have had the same view. My husband and I will disagree and agree on many things and one of them that we disagree about is why we go to church. He believes we go to church to listen and talk soley about God. He does not think its a place to be social. I disagree, I think its the very place to be social. We are not called by God to just sit in a sermon on Sunday morning and then walk out the door and hope to retain it until the next Sunday. (And I know my husband does not believe that is what you should do either) But we are to have fellowship, which is by definition: the state of sharing mutual interests, experiences, activities, etc Another definiation says family. We are brothers and sisters that share a common interest: God, our experiences make our lives all very different, but with our common interest we are able to come together, form friendships, relationships and learn from one another. We study the bible together and grow-this is the purpose of the church. Its not a place we go to pretend, make everyone feel all warm inside and save our place in Heaven because we're worried if we don't attend "church" we won't make it there.

Fortunately........and unforunately...I'm a truth seeker. I think I been since the day I was born. Ask anyone that knows me, I question everything and everyone. I so desperatly seek the answers most want to ignore because its outside their comfort zone or doesnt "involve" them. But only God knows a mans heart and only He will know the truth in all things. And although I may not know the truth in a mans heart, I do know the truth of whats natural and Gods. We find many scriptures that anyone can pull out of the bible that say "do not judge" so we are constantly reminded-especially when in an arguement over Gods word that we aren't suppose to judge. However, when read from front to back, its clear what we are and are not suppose to "judge" When our brothers or sisters are sinning, we are to call them out on it, if they do not change, we are to disown them until they do. Its not because we dont love them, but because we do. And sin taints people. When unbelievers are involved, sure we take things a little differently and we minister to them as best we can. It may take time, either way, so lots of praying and persistance is needed. "Judging" within the church is acceptable, here is just one example:

1 Corinthians 5:9-13 (New International Version)

 ⁹ I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— ¹⁰ not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. ¹¹ But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister^[a] but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.

 ¹² What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? ¹³ God will judge those outside. “Expel the wicked person from among you.”

^{So, here we are "Christians" with a million ways of "thinking" and varying life experiences. We are told to put ourselves out there to minister Gods word to those who don't know it. The best way, the only way to do this effectively is knowing it. Corruption or doubt within the church does no one good, that said there will always be something because people do not like to get out of their shells, they don't like causing a rift, or pushing buttons. We find a church we like and we get comfortable, we dont want to lose friends, we want people to like us, we want to sing or act in plays, teach or plan events. No one wants to "complain".}

^{I say do it! Don't be a Complaint Free Christian, COMPLAIN! Do whatever is nesseccary to keep Gods word alive and moving. You can love one another without a facade. As a family, believers, you should be able to say "No, I'm not having a good day." Or in my case, "No its not been a good year." Stand up for what you think is wrong, or what you see wrong within. Don't waver on the word of God, the ten commandments are clear and so is his word. Abortion, Homosexuality, Drunkeness, Cheating, Lieing, Murdering, Raping, Jealousy, Etc. is all wrong, its all sin.  I am not a Complaint Free Christian and I will continue to stand up for the Word as long a I live. I will not waver in my beliefs, no matter how many "friends" I lose or how many "enemies" I make. Because our time here is fleeting, but our time with Him is forever.}





Songs of my Life

Here are some of the songs I think sum up my life-not all by far, but these are songs I can relate to and love listening to.

"Miscarriage" My Story

A friend had a miscarriage this past week and it reminded me of my own experience in the subject. I was 16 and in a serious relationship with a boy I thought I'd be with forever, Michael. I thought I had it all figured out-and got pregnant a year or so into our relationship. We immediatly were scared, being young and not sure of how your parents will react will do that. Trying to be responsible, we both told our parents and they were for obvious reasons, not pleased. His parents wanted me to give the baby up for adoption or have an abortion. My parents wanted me to figure out what was best for me, but didnt want it to ruin my life. My sisters and others encouraged abortion. I knew then that abortion was not the route I was going to go and I didnt think I could give my child away....so I had pretty much already made my mind up to keep the baby. Since I found out so early in my pregnancy, I was at my second ultra sound when I found out. "There is no heartbeat" the doctor said. My being scared had overcome my joy so being young I really hadnt had time to put all the peices together before that day-and now there wasnt a heartbeat. I left, in shock, holding a picture of my now "dead" baby and called my boyfriend in tears.

I didn't know how to handle the information. Immediatly the doctors had said we needed to either do a D&C or wait until the baby naturally came out, which would be painful with heavy bleeding. I decided to do the D&C and a couple days later we were at the hospital. I woke up crying hysterically, realizing that my baby was now gone. There was no comfort. I went home and didnt get out of bed for 4 days. (Now I know that having the baby naturally would have given me time to heal and put the baby to rest)

I missed all MAP testing and had to make it up later, all the while barely making it through the testing because all I could think about was how a life, my son or daughter was gone. And because I was a teen, everyone thought it was best and I never had a chance to heal.

The pain of the miscarriage didn't just affect me...it affected my boyfriend. He was devestated. I never thought at that age especially that a boy would cry, but he did. It was a horrible reality. We ended up fighting continuosly and it seemed we couldn't get past the loss. 6 months later I ended it abruptly and I still regret the way I handled things to this day. That time in my life is forever in my heart. Losing a life, losing your child can destroy you and after ending my relationship, I binged on alcohol and drugs for over a year, having sex with multiple guys and I didn't care about myself at all. ...

The saving grace of God in this is that he sent me Luke. A man that called me out of the blue one day because he needed a ride somewhere. And we've been inseperable since, God gave me three more beautiful healthy children and I am so grateful and happy. Out of respect for my husband, I talk about it as little as possible.I have only mentioned in  a handful of times but since my friends experience, we have talked about it since-or I have talked and he has listened. And since it was with another man its understandable his being uncomfortable. Since all of this, I have now realized why God tells you to wait until you get married to have sex....the bond between a man and woman when sex is involved can be hard to forget. This is why I have plenty of reasons to give my children the ability to make better choices than I made and to provide them with a stable family and parents that will be there forever. Someday, when its time they will know about my miscarriage.

Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution

Just like everyone else, I want food that is quick, easy and tastes good. And in today's world, that's what we get and what we're used to. Long ago, this was not the case, food was grown locally and disributed in small markets and etc. everything essentially was made from scratch and pretty healthy. Now, we have no idea what we're eating and often our food is coming from places like Quatemala! So, I'm testing myself and my husband to really change our eating habits. Its hard and sense our fridge and pantry already have "bad stuff" in them, I am taking this time to really research the right way to go about it. Whether its making my own bread, planting a garden, etc. I'm no pro and being a busy mom of 3 its a lot to add to my plate. But I am determined and I think if more people knew where their food came from, they would be to. Check this out:

http://www.jamieoliver.com/foundation/

If this information and other research doesn't get you thinking (or caring) I don't know what will!

CMS is not the same as PMS!

So, the other night after a disagreement with my husband, I'm laying in bed thinking about the argument. As I am laying there thinking about how he used words like "nagging", etc. I can't get past the thought that I had that was simply, "I'm not nagging, I'm talking!" And there it hit me, Pre Menstrual Syndrom is NOT the same as Cranky Mom Syndrom. And just because I don't like what you are doing or saying, does not mean that I am PMSing...it could mean I just have an opinion, but it could also mean: I'm CRANKY!

I don't know why it is men always think you must be having your "monthly" because we are cranky, but its a common misconception. From now on I am labeling my bad days with CMS! :)

CMS:
Sleep Deprivation
Kids under age 10
Hungry
Back, Leg pain or other ailment
Sore nipples (Breastfeeding baby)
Doesn't want to cook because of above <----
Etc.

That being said, I love my husband and men have some sort of syndrom to...I'm just not sure what it is yet.... :)

Parenting my kids

Everyone's parenting style is different, just like everyones background is different.. So when it comes to parenting I find myself a lone sheep as you will because I'm DIFFERENT. Not to say there arent similiar parenting styles out there, there are and not to say I'm so different no one can relate, because everyone can relate in one way or another. Just in the instance, that no one is quite like me-or my husband. We have approached it head on, just trying to get it right, we don't always and fail often. But everyday we get up (or all night we stay up) being parents.

Its a wonderful thing really, God trusts you with this tiny baby that you have to care for or -it will die. Both physically and spiritually. As they grow, they test you and test you and TEST YOU and TEEESSSSSSTTTTTTT YYOOOOOUUUU! But they are yours and cute and cudly and no one will ever love them more than you do. As my kids grow up I find myself not always being that picture perfect mom, actually more times then not I can say I go man I wish I would have done that differently. But whats done is done and you just try again the next day.

I am raising three wonderful, beautiful, smart boys and they are Gods gift to me and my husband. I get them for a short while, then I am to give them back. I get to watch their first step, feed them their first food and play with them while belly laughs roll out of their mouths. Then I get to watch them learn how to read and I get to teach them what I know....and someday when they get older, I'll know what I get to do then. :) Because right now I have NO clue! I'm learning each and everyday, how to be patient (which isnt a good trait of mine), how to say No, to laugh more and take things less serious, to enjoy smelling the roses and hugs. There is nothing in the world like it. And there is nothing in the world I would trade it for.....

To be continued

March 7th, 2011

"Even when someone tells you the love you, inside you say to yourself, Yes, but you don't know the whole truth about me. You might not say these things if you really knew...Knowing and being known go to the core of life: You cannot be fully loved if you are not fully known. You can only be loved to the extent that you are known. You can only be completely loved if you are completely known."

This was on my daily calendar called "The life you've always wanted" by John Ortberg. I picked it up for free on the "free" MOPS table and have been using it the last couple of days. The quote resinated with me. Some people would know why automatically, others would wonder. In my life, always, I've been a truth seeker. I'm not perfect, which means I'm not always completely honest, but my ability to lie is about nil. I just don't have it in me. Sure, I can lie, anyone can lie, I just don't like to and I've never been very good at it. I'm pretty sure my mom knew just about every bad thing I did as a teenager, regardless of my lies.

Anyhow, being a truth seeker and someone who HATES lies and etc. I have always been as honest and forthright as I can be. In that, I'm honest to a fault. People do NOT always want to hear the truth, whether its fact, or your truth (or opinion). Mostly people get annoyed and feel put off like your a pesimist or judgemental. Biologically, my aunt, who I love dearly is very much like this to. Being a truth seeker in this world, can be your death sentence. So for me, someone who is honest to a fault, its also the way that I deal with "love" and being "loved".

Being honest with those around me about who I am and what I feel has always been important to me. Maybe because I wasnt allowed to express myself as a young child or because God called me to greater things I just havent found yet. Regardless, I can't help it. And just like anyone else, there are things, sins, I have commited that I have questioned why anyone would love me. And then there are times where I feel alone and wonder if anyone really understands who I am. So this quote made me think, thats me. Right there smack dab on a peice of paper....honest to a fault and letting people know me, so that they can love me. Weird, I know.

I also however realize that I am loved. My husband loves me, my boys love me, my dog loves me, however pets can love. That I have sprinkled family who also love me throughout and for that I am grateful. I am not everyone's cup of tea, but for those who know me, and love me for who I am...I am grateful. I'm just like everyone else, searching for relationships that are meaningful and going through life one day at a time.

Woe is Me...

Every now and then I get to pull the "woe is me" card. Now is then. I feel like I am constantly saying to myself, why? Why don't we have enough money? Why don't the boys listen? Why is my husband working so hard? Why is God testing me? Why isn't our families more involved? Why do I have to fight so hard? What am I fighting for? Who are my real friends? Who can I trust? Why is this important? Why am I worrying? Why am I envious? What am I missing? Why? Why? Why?

I feel like I am going insane sometimes asking myself why and never getting an answer. You know when you ask God for something a million times and he doesnt give it to you? And people say "Be careful what you ask for." I feel like thats me...over and over and over and over again. What am I doing wrong here? Am I fighting for the WRONG things? Am I envious of there situation? WHY WHY WHY?!?!?

I keep thinking that eventually it will all make sense. That someday God will bless us in a way we understand....and then somedays I think God is testing me because I'm meant for something greater. Or someday God will bless us financially and we won't struggle so hard. Or I am blessed I am just missing it focusing to much on worldly things......

Well, there is would be wouldn't it. Why DO I CARE? Why? Someday I'm going to be dead right? Someday I'm not going to be able to take my house or my things with me. I have children now and a husband now who love me. If they don't want to be involved-its there loss...if they want to be snobby and snooty and rub it in my face every chance they get, let them. Because I know what I have and I am grateful for what God has given me. My flesh will not win here. The blood of the lamb is over my door....is it over yours?

Parents who aren't parents...or grandparents...

Regularly I think about my mother, who are the age of 16 did not want a child and ended up with me. We all know how that happens, but apparently it didnt stop her or my father. So I was born into a world that didnt want me....and after 2 years of physical abuse, including molestation, I was finally taken away from my mother and her husband (not my father). I saw her off and on for years, but the last time I saw her I was about 10 or 11. She was always making excuses why she couldnt come, so it ended. My grandparents only saw me a couple times over the years and quit giving me gifts for birthdays and such when I asked them to come see me instead...

When I was 16, I contacted my dad who I have formed a relationship with and he is involved in our lives as much as he can be with his circumstances.  Drugs and alcohol played a part in destroying my fathers life and now he is trying to amend the things he did. He is loving to my children and I have forgiven him for all he put me through.

When I was 17, I contacted my mother who denied all the things I knew to be fact and didnt want to see me. When I wrote her a letter about being pregnant with her first grandchild, she wrote me saying to never contact her again. Of course theres more detail to it, but thats the jist of it. To this day, I have no contact with her....and I hate it. I wish my mom, acted like a mom. I want my children to know their grandmother, to have family.

But that wasnt in my plans and may never be. For now God has blessed me with two parents who adopted me and a family, though not normal and has problems, cares about me. I still feel alone, but I was given a home. And I love my parents, dearly.

When I met  my husband, who had been on his own for two years, he also had a broken family. My husband felt it to leave his home at 16, to live on peoples couches and try to figure out where he fit in in this world. At 18 he had an apartment that he shared with another guy and paid his share of bills. He didnt have a car, but rode his skateboard or walked to work everyday. He was turning into his own man. Sure he had problems, but we found eachother broken and all. And fell in love.

Soon we became parents ourselves and it was all to real to us what we wanted to do differently and etc. We've struggled and certaintly aren't perfect, we cuss, we fight, but we love and we love hard. We don't give up and will fight for our family-our boys and eachother. Through the years I've gotten to know what its like to raise kids without a normal family. My husbands parents only come around when its convenient for them and mostly dont come around. We've always been worried about how the kids will handle the favoritism and etc. that goes on between them as well....and as the kids get older we feel the need to protect them more and more. Especially me. I'm a mom and I cannot for the life of me understand why you would have children and walk away, even with them in your house, be uninvolved, let them fail in life. Put your life before theirs.

My husband was unable to stop the cheating his father did while they were children, or the drugs both of his parents participated in, but when he was old enough he was able to change the environment for himself and for his children. We both were. We try and give our children what they don't and its a struggle. I know what God intended family to be, but I also know what God said would happen. For those who follow God, it will be brother against brother and father against son...and so it is. A constant battle for parents who are parents and for grandparents who are grandparents.....but people who were put in our lives, no matter how bad to make us who we are today......

So this is me, thanking God for making our parents NOT parents and NOT grandparents...Thank you for giving us the ability to form our family, to your standards and for loving us enough to do so. I am grateful for your lessons and even though we are alone on this earth in the flesh, our soul is filled with your love and we see it everyday in our children.

The Deaf and Music

What would it be like to be deaf? I personally dont know because I only know one person that is, and I barely know her. Being deaf to me would by like being in my own personal hell...but thats because I know whats its like to hear. For those who don't know what its like, live with it, and most of the gracefully. Here is a video I found of a woman who is sharing her signing talent to help people who can't hear feel and understand music in a way that is comforting to their souls in a way we can't understand.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zyE7DfdtLg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=977jTOVCHe8&feature=related

What would YOU do?

So, I was watching WHAT WOULD YOU DO? and I thought I'd ask the questions they asked....

What would you do if you saw people making a fuss out of a interracial couple?

What would you do if the person ahead of you in line had no more money on their EBT and was trying to buy food for their family? Would you help them out?

What would you do if there was a boy wearing a dress in a store? Or wanting to buy a barbie and someone was making a deal out of it? What would you think, say?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?!

Antibiotics Good vs Bad

Copied from this website: http://ezinearticles.com/?Antibiotics---Good-or-Bad?-When-To-Take-Them,-When-To-Refrain-And-What-To-Do-After-Weve-Taken-Them!&id=1013010

The odds that you've had one of those nasty winter or spring colds are pretty high. These are the colds that seem to drag on forever gradually turning into an upper respiratory infection. We feel awful, lack energy and usually as a last resort find ourselves in room filled with other people coughing and spluttering, waiting to see the doctor. Unfortunately, the doctor's usual response will be to put you on a course of antibiotics.
Don't get me wrong. I am not against the proper use of antibiotics. They have the potential to be lifesavers when used properly, but they are not a cure-all. Antibiotics are usually used to treat infections caused by bacteria, such as tuberculosis, salmonella, and some forms of meningitis. However, they do not work against other organisms such as viruses or certain fungi. It's important to bear this in mind if you think you have some sort of infection, because viruses usually cause many common illnesses, particularly of the upper respiratory tract such as the common cold and sore throats.
A virus is a microscopic organism that lives as a parasite in plants, animals, and bacteria and consists of a nucleic acid core within a protein sheath. Most people who have a head cold, runny nose, cough, muscle ache, sore throat and even a fever have a virus. Viruses usually cause illness for 7-14 days and the symptoms can be treated with non-prescription drugs like herbal decongestants, cold formulas and cough syrups. Antibiotics do not work against viruses, only against bacteria.
Bacteria are single-celled, often parasitic microorganisms without a distinct nuclei or organized cell structure. There are good and bad bacteria. Many types of bacteria do not cause illness and live harmlessly on, and in, the human body. The bad bacteria cause serious illnesses such as pneumonia, meningitis, dysentery and blood poisoning.
These illnesses can be life threatening and can best be treated with antibiotics. If these bacteria become resistant, then it becomes very difficult, even impossible to treat them. Overuse of antibiotics can lead to bacteria becoming resistant to them so it's important to only take them when absolutely necessary.
HOW DO ANTIBIOTICS WORK?
The very first antibiotic, penicillin along with a family of related antibiotics (such as ampicillin, amoxicllin and benzylpenicillin) is still widely used to treat many common infections. Our healthy, strong immune systems, with their antibodies and special white blood cells, can usually kill harmful bacteria before they multiply enough to cause symptoms. And even when symptoms do occur, the body can often fight off the infection. Sometimes if the immune system is not strong it becomes overwhelmed by a bacterial infection and needs help to get rid of it. This is where antibiotics come in. Some antibiotics, such as the penicillin's, are 'bactericidal', meaning that they work by killing bacteria. They do this by interfering with the formation of the cell walls or cell contents of the bacteria. Other antibiotics are 'bacteriostatic', meaning that they work by stopping bacteria multiplying.
Unfortunately, the antibiotics do not differentiate between our good bacteria, especially in the gut, and destroy them all! This damage to the destruction of the "gut flora" can have very serious consequences. These beneficial bacteria perform crucial tasks, from boosting our immune system, aiding digestion, warding off allergies to assisting in the elimination of harmful toxins. These friendly bacteria include Lactobacillus acidophilus, Bifidus and Bulgaricus, supplements for which can be found in any health food store's refrigerated section. They protect us against pathogens such as Salmonella, yeast, cholera, and the bad E. coli. Once gone, these friendly bacteria are replaced by hostile bacteria such as Pseudomonas, Clostridium, and Klebsiella, and by Candida yeast, a powerful member of the fungi family.
SIDE EFFECTS OF ANTIBIOTICS
The most common side effects with antibiotic drugs are diarrhea, feeling sick and being sick. Fungal infections of the mouth, digestive tract and vagina can also occur with antibiotics because they destroy the protective 'good' bacteria in the body (which help prevent overgrowth of any one organism), as well as the 'bad' ones, responsible for the infection being treated.
Rare, but more serious side effects, include the formation of kidney stones, abnormal blood clotting, increased sensitivity to the sun, blood disorders, and deafness.
Sometimes, particularly in older people, antibiotic treatment can cause a type of colitis (inflamed bowel) leading to severe diarrhea. Penicillin's, cephalosporin's and erythromycin can all cause this problem but it is most common with clindamycin, an antibiotic usually reserved for serious infections. If you develop diarrhea while taking an antibiotic, immediately contact your doctor.
Some people are allergic to antibiotics, particularly penicillin, and can develop side effects such as a rash, swelling of the face and tongue, and difficulty breathing. Always tell your doctor or pharmacist if you have had an allergic reaction to an antibiotic; sometimes the reaction can be serious or even fatal. This is called an anaphylactic reaction. You should use an antibiotic with care if you have reduced liver or kidney function. It goes without saying if you are pregnant or breastfeeding tell your doctor before taking any prescription drugs including antibiotics.
HOW TO USE AN ANTIBIOTIC IF YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM
Antibiotics are usually taken orally but also given by injection or applied to the affected part of the body. The drugs begin to tackle most infections within a few hours. It is vital to take the whole course of treatment to prevent recurrence of the infection. Sometimes bacteria become 'resistant' to an antibiotic you have been taking, meaning the drug will no longer work. Resistance tends to occur when the bacterial infection responsible for the symptoms is not completely cured, even if the symptoms have cleared up. Some of the residual bacteria, having been exposed to, but not killed by, the antibiotic are more likely to grow into an infection that can survive that particular antibiotic. This explains why finishing the course of antibiotics, even if you feel better, is important.
Certain antibiotics should not be taken with certain foods and drinks. Some antibiotics are best taken when there is no food in your stomach, usually an hour before meals or two hours after - make sure you follow the instructions on the dispensing label. Do not drink alcohol if you are taking metronidazole. Do not take tetracyclines with dairy products, as these can reduce the absorption of this type of antibiotic.
There are a number of important interactions between antibiotics and other medicines so it's important to tell which your doctor or pharmacist about any other medicines you are taking.
RESTORING BENEFICIAL BACTERIA
If for some reason you have had to go on a course of antibiotics, try to boost your natural immune system and follow this recovery plan:
- Stay away from sugar or artificial sweeteners. Use Stevia or Lo-Han instead.
- No mushrooms or cheese. No yeasty foods, like bread, rolls or beer.
- Eliminate fruits and fruit juices (except for tart apples).
- Cut down on grains. After two weeks introduce gluten-free whole grains like Auinoa, corn or millet.
- Don't drink coffee, tea, herb tea or coffee substitutes as they often harbor molds.
- Avoid supermarket salad dressings, vinegar, soy or Worcestershire sauce and horseradish.
- Drink anti-fungal teas like paud'arco, angelica root, bergamot, hyssop, chamomile and alfalfa.
- Eat unsweetened, plain yogurt or kefir that contain lactobacillus acidophilus, bifidus and bulgaricus.
- Use olive oil to cook with as a dressing on salads and vegetables.
- Drink organic, green vegetable juices.
- Use raw almond butter.
- Cook with garlic. It contains allicin, a natural anti-fungal chemical.
- Take grape seed extract in water last thing at night.
- Take an antioxidant supplement that includes vitamins E, A, and C (among others) zinc and selenium
For this dietary plan to be affective it should be continued for at least 4 to 6 weeks, however before beginning any dietary program always check with you doctor first. When coming off the plan you can try eating foods you have cut out, one at a time to see how they make you feel. If you get gas or bloating stop taking the food for another few weeks. Following this plan for the recommended amount of time will help boost your immune system and help you to stay healthy.

As I have had a lot of problems with my children having to take antibiotics, I am looking more and more into what I can do to restore the good bacteria back into their systems after finishing an antibiotic. Its important that we take care of our bodies. This can cause problems to your mental and physical health.

Abortion-Pro Life

Below are two links that need to be watched:

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Ds_W75zh1j2I%26feature%3Drelated&h=b518e

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.abortionno.org%2F&h=b518e

There are two things that I know are fact about abortion. 1. Its an abomination. 2. Its murder.

There are many opinions about abortion and many people think its "ok" in certain situations, others think we shouldn't involve ourselves in someone else's life. The thing is, we get upset when a young child is killed, if a child is thrown in the trash can after a women gives birth in a restroom or when a child/baby is shaken or beaten. We hate when children are hurt in anyway....but when it comes to abortion we make lots of reasons, that it should be allowed.

I believe people are uneducated about what abortion really is and entails. I think men and women alike think that the baby never feels anything and just goes to sleep like a dog would being put down at the pound. This is NOT true. Babies, no matter how small-FEEL! It's not unknown to hear cries during abortion from a baby or for it to not be dead fully exiting the womb. Watch those videos above and if you aren't against abortion now, you will be....and if your not then...God help you.

Why do women get abortions? Here are some stats:
Why women have abortions1% of all abortions occur because of rape or incest; 6% of abortions occur because of potential health problems regarding either the mother or child, and 93% of all abortions occur for social reasons (i.e. the child is unwanted or inconvenient).

When do abortions occur during pregnancy? :
At what gestational ages are abortions performed:52% of all abortions occur before the 9th week of pregnancy, 25% happen between the 9th & 10th week, 12% happen between the 11th and 12th week, 6% happen between the 13th & 15th week, 4% happen between the 16th & 20th week, and 1% of all abortions (16,450/yr.) happen after the 20th week of pregnancy.

Who's having abortions (age)?52% of women obtaining abortions in the U.S. are younger than 25: Women aged 20-24 obtain 32% of all abortions; Teenagers obtain 20% and girls under 15 account for 1.2%.

Stats from: http://www.abortionno.org/Resources/fastfacts.html

So, the bottom line is pretty cut and dry. Most abortions are happening between ages 18-25 to unwed mothers. And 93% of them are because of INCONVENIENCE. Only 1% is because of rape-which is an excuse often used. And although most abortions happen early on in the pregnancy, 16,450 roughly are still being aborted halfway through the pregnancy 20+ weeks. In todays world a baby could live outside of the womb then. Most of the 93% of these abortions every year could be prevented every year by preventing pregnancy in the first place. Free birthcontrol at the clinics and doctors office where patients could have the privacy of everyone not knowing, would help a lot. Considering most abortions happen when the mother is unmarried and low income there has to be a way to educate women about birth control and sex in general. I know its an uncommon theory, even in my own life...but NOT having sex outside of marriage would almost solve the problem completely....

I believe that this is wrong, no matter your religion. My bible says "Thou shalt not murder" and I think common sense tells people not to murder as well.

Breastfeeding vs. the alternative

Today I was watching the end of "The View" that I caught on just after I had nursed my youngest and put him into my bed to nap. Dr. Oz was on discussing his books and show about eating healthy and other subjects, uncluding pregnancy and raising children. I found it interesting that he pointed out the "stress" women immediatly feel when become pregnant and that women need to learn how to handle all of lifes situations without stressing to much about it, because he feels that it passes along to the baby and so on.

He was then asked how he felt about bottle feeding and breastfeeding. His response was, in today's society women are stressed about breastfeeding and although breastfeeding is best, if women are stressed about it, then they should just go ahead and bottlefeed. I believe there are two main reasons woman do not breastfeed or quit breastfeeding. 1. Society, women are basically required to work to make ends meet, relying on a one family income, often is not enough. 2. Lack of knowledge and Laziness.

In today's world we support breastfeeding, we encourage it...but we do NOTHING to help women be able to do it. Our finances are so whirlwind that most women do not have the ability to stay home, whether they are single (which is a whole nother topic) or their husband doesnt make enough to sustain off one income. Society simply will not let women stay at home and take care of their children. One reason this is is because of "Womens Rights", women fought so hard, to hard in fact that they not only became equal to men, they are expected to be able to take on the workload of a man and also take care of the children. I'm all for women working, but there needs to be some kind of balance. Women are simply not given much of a choice and unfortunetly, that was caused mostly BY WOMEN.

The second main reason is because women are just simply uneducated or lazy. Uneducation comes from the last 50+ years that bottle feeding has become a norm....women just dont know HOW to breastfeed let alone HOW LONG they should and etc. Take uneducated women and stack working full time on top of that and we have a serious problem. And then there is laziness...some women just simply do not like that breastfeeding takes them away from other things they enjoy. For instance, since I don't give my children bottles, I take them with me EVERYWHERE for the first 6 months- year of their lives. Occasionally I get to run to the store or whatever, but for the most part, they are with me. Sure you can leave them with pumped milk to go out for a couple hours, thats not going to make you a bad mom, but for the most part, you are at their beck-and-call. Women do not like giving up their time.

When nursing often time your strapped to a couch until they are 5 months old and even then you are lugging 15 pounds around with you anyways! Nursing, whether you are a stay at home mom or a working mom is a lot of work. But the "work" is outdone every time by the joy. Breastfeeding is suppose to be a joyous time, a time you get to cuddle your baby and talk to him and touch his soft skin and just enjoy him. Because someday he won't want your hugs and kisses! Nursing is natural and healthy and is a bonding experience no bottle will ever give a child. Breastfeeding is not just food, where formula is JUST food. Your never going to find bugs in your breastmilk or have it pulled off the shelves because something bad got into it. Your never going to have to pay $40 for a small can of it at Walmart every week. Its free and priceless. Whether your a stay at home mom or a working mom you CAN breastfeed. There are always exceptions and although those are few and far between because mostly women just make excuses we are in a sense lucky to have an alternative so that unlike babies who would die back in the day, babies have a way to eat. I strongly believe that until you have tried EVERYTHING, formula should be a last resort.

I have talked to several lactation consultants recently and apparently they are taking formula out of the hospital rooms. Formula will still be there to feed the babies, but it will not be advertised or given away for free like in the past. I think that is GREAT! It doesnt mean that the women no longer has a choice, it just means that doctors are going to stop PUSHING formula. I remember going to a pediatrician when my oldest was a baby and them handing out formula and the same with the OB. I am so glad that they are seeing that advertisement in the establishment also plays a part in womens decision making.

I believe that there needs to be a breastfeeding revolution. If women have to work, they should be able to take time to pump at work. People get cigarette breaks and thats definetly NOT productive. There needs to be more education and more advertisement supporting breastfeeding. Even if we cant change everyone, getting as many as we can to take the natural way is better than doing nothing. Here's an idea...WIC gives low income women formula...what about giving low income women nursing bra's? I know its not food, but they give out free breastfeeding support, why not give out BREASTFEEDING support! :P

Breastfeeding vs. Bottle-feeding

	Breastfeeding	Bottle-feeding
Nutrition
	Perfect balance of nutrients	Not as efficiently utilized as breast milk
	Contains high levels of nutrients	Nutritional content depends on proper preparation
	Easily digested and absorbed	Some babies have difficulty tolerating certain nutrients
	Content varies according to milk production stage, which meets the changing nutritional requirements	Pediatrician/care-giver determines amount
	Infant determines amount
Costs
	Free	Formula ranges from $54 to $198 per month depending on brand
	Nursing pads, nursing bras, etc.	Bottles, nipples, etc.
	Breast pump (optional)
Advantages
	Always the perfect temperature	Anyone can feed the baby
	No preparation time
	Milk is readily available at any time and any place
Disadvantages
	Mother must be available for feeding or to provide pumped milk if she is absent	Warming formula
	Mother must pump if feeding is missed	Preparation time varies
	Early breastfeeding may be uncomfortable
	Certain medications can interrupt breastfeeding

http://www.americanpregnancy.org/firstyearoflife/breastfeedingandbottle.html

MRSA

So, my first blog is going to be about something that has recently become an issue within our family. This is MRSA. It seems to be, since I've come into contact with it the most HATED four letter acronym out there. I think in most minds its even worse than AIDS. My conclusion has been that it is because people are uneducated and scared more than the infection itself is bad. Don't get me wrong, MRSA can be bad for anyone, but there are different levels of this infection and not all staph infections are alike.

Now your probably asking yourself, "Why is this an issue for her?"...well its an issue for me simply because I have a three year old son who within the last year, we found out has MRSA. So here's our MRSA story:

When I was pregnant with my second son, Benjamin, we found out through ultra-sound that he had some kind of kidney condition, Hydonephrosis. We delivered him early by the help of induction and he was born on December 14, 2007. Since then he has been on bactrim, an antibiotic to help prevent kidney infections. He has also indured many tests, ultrasounds and etc. including I.V's and much more. Its been a rough 3 years. Last year in March, my son Ben had kidney surgery to fix the ureters that were deformed and not working properly. You see, he has one kidney that is a lot smaller than the other and if he looses the better kidney, he could be in serious trouble. There was also a stint put in place to help it drain. During the surgery he also had tubes put in his ears as we have a history of chronic ear infections in our family and with our children. Something else that Ben had indured a lot of.

After surgery we recovered with him for several weeks, the first four days being the worst. Watching my son lay in agony screaming and crying in pain, is something I never want to watch again, especially at 2 years old. It was horrible. Several weeks later his stint was removed, which also caused great pain. When the stint was removed things got better and Ben got back to himself, for the most part. Then we found out that he had a staph infection in his bladder. He was put on another series of antibiotics to get rid of it. We had another scare about a month later that it had come back, but to our relief, we had a test done and it was negative.

A couple months later our son got an ear infection in his left ear. We took him to the doctor because the ear was draining a horrible smelling green liquid. The doctor gave him an antibiotic for it, which didn't work, we were in the doctor later that week. By the third doctor visit we got a MRSA test done, he had MRSA. We didnt know what MRSA was and was unsure of how to handle it. They prescribed antibiotic after antibiotic and NOTHING got rid of it. Finally, an ENT said that his left tube would need to be removed to see if that would make it go away. We had the surgery and since then, we have had no ear infections, until now.

My youngest son was hospitalized for RSV a couple weeks ago, while I was in the hospital, my other two sons, who were also congested, got ear infections. For us, its just a fact of life almost. And undoubtedly, I've done everything right, kept them away from smoke-we don't smoke, and breastfed. Ear infections are just in our anatomy. So here we are again, an ear infection that just wont go away. Ben has no finished a 10 day antibiotic and has not had draining with this last ear infection, which was in both ears. And since he has a tube in his right ear, and the ear infection hasnt went away, I am concerned that the MRSA is there.

NOW, here's where the education comes in. Something, I've learned is that MRSA likes to attach itself to objects, such as ear tubes and forms a barrier protecting itself from antibiotics, killing it. Thus, when we got the left tube removed, the infection went away. He may not have it surrounding the right tube, an ENT appointment will tell. Ben more than likely picked up MRSA from one of his surgeries at the hospital. But here's the facts about MRSA:

MRSA is transmitted by one of two ways, either by touching someones infected skin or things that have come into contact to their infection...which in Bens case would be his ear drainage or other drainage that is infected like snot. Which doesnt mean every time he has a runny nose, you can get MRSA from him.

MRSA on the skin and in the body are two different things, within the body it can go dormant and come back again later, or it can not come back ever again. People usually infected with MRSA dont even know they have it. MRSA on the skin can cause pus and other problems. If someone has it on their skin, covering it with a bandage, prevents other from getting it. And unless running a fever or having other symptoms, MRSA is likely dormant.

MRSA is not dangerous to the general public. Although people with debilitating disease such as cancer and etc. should stay clear from those infected with MRSA.

One of the biggest ways to prevent getting MRSA: stay away from drainage, especially open surfaces such as eyes, ears, nose and mouth. If its on the skin, avoid any skin to skin contact, specifically open wounds or cuts. And good handwashing. And if you think you might have MRSA stay away from others until you see a doctor who can tell you how to handle it.

This being said, my son in particular is not a harm to others. With this MRSA label he has been treated differently, which is why I relate it to the acronym AIDS. Because until people knew what AIDS was and really understood it, everyone was afraid of even being near someone with it. We now know how its spread and prevent it. I understand the fear, I do. But as his mom I also know what research I've done and what numerous doctors have told me about what he has. He is a normal kid and he's not going to spread it your children by accidently sharing a sippy cup or holding her hand. Your not going to get it by changing his diaper or giving him a kiss. And if it does come back, I'll get him to a doctor and prescribed the right antibiotic. After 2-7 days, the antibiotic has taken effect and he is not a threat to anyone. As long as he doesnt have a fever or drainage...I'm taking him to the store, to church and letting him enjoy life. At now, 3 years old, he's a child and I'm not going to label him, Ben the kid with MRSA. He's just Ben.

If your afraid of MRSA you should do all the right research and talk to your doctors. Otherwise, keep your opinions to yourself, unless you know the facts. Because you just might have it, or your child might have it, and you may never know because its just there. Think about it.

Welcome to My Life!

It was suggested by a friend that I start a blog because of my many life experiences that I like to share. Thats not to say that I have that many life experiences as I am only 24 years old, But I do have some and I have a whole lot of opinions and things I like to share. So I decided, why not? So here it is. Personal, Up-close, Truthful, MY life, the way I know it.

My life as I know it: