My Father-Born December 22, 1969-Died July 8, 2011

I thought about this blog all week long. See, in my heart I am a writer. I love to write but having kids has taken my time away from it. So, naturally when I was going through all of this, I just kept thinking about how much I wanted to write it all down.


Last Friday, July 8, 2011 was a stressful day. I had errands to run, went to Walmart where my children were less than behaved and the cashier was the most disrespectful customer service lady I have encountered. After two hours, I left the store in tears. I was also babysitting. At home I proceeded to tell the kids to go play while I got everything put away and had some time to cool down after the less than pleasant experience I just had. Amongst all of it, I got online to check my Facebook, where I found a message that said "I just found out my dad hung himself." on my brother's page. (I found out later he posted it because he couldn't get ahold of anyone) I immediately panicked and called the only person I could think of the time, my Aunt. I asked what was going on and she proceeded to tell me that my father had killed himself. I dropped to the ground sobbing in disbelief. I was alone with 4 kids waiting for my husband to get home from work. I called my husbands phone then his work and finally he called me back, I screamed through my tears into the phone that he needed to come home now...that my father killed himself. When he hung up I started calling the people I thought could help me, I don't really know why I called anyone, out of panic I suppose. First my friend, then my adoptive parents and etc. I didn't know all the details and so I called my Aunt back. Thats when I found out that my father hung himself.


What? I was in total shock, he did what? Why? Are they sure? I talked to my Uncle who was at the scene sorting everything out and my Aunt several times as we were both in shock. I called the child I babysit for mother to tell her to come get him and I talked on the phone and online to many people in a short amount of time. When my husband got home I cried, my oldest son was crying and hysterical and all I could do was sob. I didn't want to leave my kids but I needed to "do" something. I ended up going to my grandma's house and being there helped. I was there until 1 a.m. making phone calls, talking to family and crying. All of us were in shock.


Saturday came and it was time to make funeral arrangements and that was a very hard experience. There is nothing more painful than family fighting and the "simplicity" but "price" in the decision making when  someone dies. I never want to do that again. It took 4 hours and lots of tears and the arrangements where made. That night my brother and I went to our father's house and gathered his belongings. I collected things dear to me and dear to my boys. I even found a recording with his voice on it. It was painful, unreal and made me uneasy. While I was there, I stood where he died and my heart sank. None of this made any sense to me. I left and got home to my boys. Which was hard in itself, I had been away from them for a long time, the baby the longest. I felt so disconnected with everything.


Sunday I had to take the funeral home his clothes and go to my Uncle's to get pictures done for his memorial. The rest of the day is kind of a blur.


Monday my husband was able to be at home, his boss, knowing the circumstances told him to take the time off needed to be with me. For this I am so grateful, even more so that he is a fellow Christian. My grandma and I met with our Pastor to go over everything at 1 p.m. I don't remember much of Monday except I went to see my dad for the first time since he died. He looked like he was sleeping and I couldn't bear to touch him. But once I was alone I sat with him and told him how sorry I was and how he didn't have to do this and how much I loved him and was going to miss him. I was there for 2 hours. Afterwards with a friend of mine, we went to the store grabbed dinner and went home and worked on photo boards until 2 a.m.

Tuesday we took care of the kids and spent the day cleaning and etc. His visitation was at 6 p.m. I was there at 5 p.m. My husband and my 3 boys came early and my oldest was heart broken. He walked around just sobbing, taking pictures and just taking it all in. My middle son didn't understand and was asking lots of questions. At one point he folded his little arms next to the casket and bowed his head in prayer, knelt down beside him I heard him pray, "Thank you God for my Grandpa." This is something I will never forget. They left early because the emotions were to much for them to stay to long. My husband hugged me, pressed his face against mine and cried. Then they went home and I stayed. Our family stood in a line at the front and greeted everyone, we talked to those we knew and cried. People came that I didn't know and people came that I did, people came that I didn't expect to be there. My adoptive family came, one of my husbands brothers and friends of ours who attended our church came to support us. They played a video of pictures along with songs that meant a lot to each of us. For me it was this song: 

This song means a lot to me because it feels like what my dad would say to me. The night ended and I said goodbye in tears.

Wednesday was the funeral, it was at 10 a.m. and I was there a little after 9 a.m. My boys were spread out amongst Vacation Bible School, my husbands mother and a friend. We sat there and heard some beautiful songs, listened to Pastor talk and I read a poem I found online that felt like what my dad would say: 

When Tomorrow
Starts Without Me

When tomorrow starts without me,
and I'm not there to see; If the sun should rise and find your eyes,
all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry,
the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things,
we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name,
and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
in heaven far above,
and that I'd have to leave behind,
all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
a tear fell from my eye,
for all life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
so much yet to do,
it seemed almost impossible,
that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
just even for awhile,
I'd say goodbye and kiss you
and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized, that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
from His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity,
and all I've promised you".

Today for life on earth is past,
but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
but today will always last,
and since each day's the same day,
there's no longing for the past.

But you have been so faithful,
so trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things,
you knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven
and now at last you're free.
So won't you take my hand
and share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
for every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

I didn't write to poem, but somehow I managed to get through it and I felt peace while reading it. When the ceremony was done, we went to my father one last time and said goodbye. My cousins and brother carried him out the the hurst and we went inside to eat. We talked and when we finished one by one everyone started to leave. After everyone was gone my husband came back from getting our son from VBS and we headed home, unpacked and then headed to my grandmother's for a BBQ. It was an overall good time and the kids had fun. We went home and I prepared for my husband to go back to work the next day.

Thursday was VBS and Bible Study and trying to get the house back in order. 

Friday was stressful as well, we met at the cemetary to put the ashes in the wall. I was with my three boys and my babysitting kid and spent the entire time sweating and fighting to keep my kids close because there was a pond nearby. I received my keepsake urn and a lock of his hair. We said goodbye and I spent 10 minutes after everyone left trying to find my keys, which I had left in the back of the van. We left and I headed to get gas and went and got us milkshakes to cool us down. We headed home and the day was endless because it was exactly one week, at the same time my dad had killed himself. 

Saturday was filled with errands as my husband worked and babysitting and keeping house. I did get to spend the evening with a dear friend and go to dinner and laugh until I cried for the first time in a very long time and definitely the first time in over a week. I am thankful to have had that sort of "break" from reality.

Sunday, today was taking my kids to the Farmers Market and attending the VBS concert for my oldest son. We cleaned the house and put away our veggies from the market, spent time together and tried to relax. 

Everything is hard right now. It's hard because I don't know how to feel, what to say or even what to do. There are so many unanswered questions, so many emotions, regrets, and tears. You think you have all the time in the world, that things like this won't happen and then they do. I've been to funerals, but not to anyone I knew and loved like my dad. I lost my half sister 2 1/2 years ago and that was hard, but not nearly as hard as this. There is so much history here, so many things that didn't get said or time that didn't get spent together. Everyone has regrets, mine are just part of the package. The last time I saw him I was annoyed because he was shaving during my sons Birthday Party, I don't remember saying goodbye to him or even if I hugged him. My husband assures me I did, but I can't remember. He called me on Mother's Day and I was stressed because the baby was sick, the conversation was short and I don't remember if I told him I loved him. I didn't even realize it had been several weeks since we talked. I was so stressed and busy with money and my kids and time just got away from me. I wonder if I would have just called him, if it would have changed his course. He was not the type of man to do this type of thing and we are all struggling. No phone calls, no note, just realizations that something was going terribly wrong with dramatic weight loss, visions of things that weren't there and etc. None of this I was aware of until after he had died and my regret is not making more of an effort, despite my own troubles.

Today I am numb, its hard to cry, its hard to laugh. Its stressful. I'm feeling it, my husband is feeling it and the kids are feeling it. The world moves on, even if you want it to stop and it slows the healing process. I have learned who my true friends are and who I am not really that important to through this and its all becoming a reality of who to and who not to surround myself with. But I am trusting that God will allow him into his kingdom because with his mental illness he was unable to make all the right decisions. I am trying to cope through all of the emotions and trying not to hole myself up away from everyone, because it would be hurtful to many people. We are all trying to find a way to deal. But I am his daughter and through all the bad times, and there were many, there were good times, especially in the end. I believe that it was a struggle for both of us, but there was a peace. I had forgiven his mistakes and he made all the effort he was able to be a part of our lives. He loved my boys, adored them, kissed them, hugged them, played with them. He loved my husband, they talked about cars, etc. and my dad told him how grateful he was that my husband was such a good man. And I know, he loved me. Not just because he told me, but because I felt it. He often told me he was proud of me and after he died many people told me the things he expressed to them about how proud he was and happy he was for me, for the woman I had become, the mother I was and etc.

The good times and the memories are what I am trying to cherish. I don't think I will ever fully understand his decision and the questions that run through my mind. If it was drugs, then it was selfish, but I believe wholeheartedly that it had to of been Demons. I don't believe that he would have done this otherwise, call me crazy, but that's what I believe. So, I am looking to God for answers. I am praying for guidance, for help in understanding. I am praying for clarity on his decision and I am hoping that something makes itself known to me. I need a peace within all of this because to me it is still unreal. His body is now ashes and he is no longer here, but I keep waiting to see him again and when its quite and I am in bed at night, it becomes all to real that, that isn't going to happen any time soon. I am seeking some sign of his presence, but trying to bask in what I know to be God's around me right now. Rest in peace Dad, Rest in peace. 

Human Nature

Our "human nature" begins the day we are born, as time goes on progresses into what we are likely to be or likely to act like for the rest of our lives. Circumstances, events and of course the people that enter and exit our lives change, so we change. For instance, when I was growing up, people kept leaving my life, for no particular reason mind you. They left because they wanted to, because it was all just to "hard" for them. I often wonder-what about me? I didn't just get to get up and walk out the door. Regardless, that is what people did, so as time went on, my nature was not to trust anyone....but that didn't change my longing for love and for people to stay. Even today, its in my nature to grab hold of people and "love" them to death. It's also in my nature to be honest, despite that I lie sometimes (we all do), its my nature to be truthful. I am very uncomfortable lying. Another example for myself would be that I feel the need to control things around me....a very hard "nature" to lose. I don't expect to control people, that's not my goal, but its very hard to have any of these above things happen, or other things happen and for me to not be able to control the outcome. This is where God comes in...for me I am always praying, whether its "Please, God calm me." or "Please, God give me the strength." I am not the perfect Christian (if there is one-which there isn't) but I am avid about asking for his guidance-whether I listen all the time or not is a different story.

But "Human Nature" is something I find baffling at times. People are expected to be different, everyone has their own agendas, experiences, and etc. The thing that makes no sense to me is our ability to treat people badly because of our selfishness. For instance, a man who rapes a woman, is selfish. He wants sex, so he goes out and gets it. A teenage girl that makes fun of another teenage girl, is selfish because she has low self esteem. People who attend a church but never reach out to anyone outside their "comfort zone" are selfish. As Christians its our calling to bring others to God, to glorify him, to get outside our comfort zone and affect others. My experience has been that some of the best friends you'll make are people that make you "uncomfortable" at first. Stop being selfish. Families who abandon children, even if they are not their own, are selfish. Children need us. Get up and do something. There are so many other ways that people are just ignorant and selfish, there really is no way to list them all.

The saying that "people are basically good" is unfortunately NOT true. People are not basically good. People are basically bad. Being a "good" person takes work, lots of it and most of us are to busy in our own lives to even take a second look to how "good" of a person we are actually being. Our nature takes action and we do what we think we must do to survive. This realization has made me think about the many times I have treated people badly and the many times people have treated me badly. It makes me think about what I need to do to be a better person, to not be selfish. And it makes me pray that the people I know who continue to be selfish will realize that they are hurting themselves AND others. Our goal here, in this life should be to gain friends, love and support one another...whether we agree or not (that doesn't mean we sweep everything under the rug, it just means we deal with it). Our nature is to destroy everything...So, we go against it and we fight for what is right, what is God's and we win.

"Complaint Free" Christian

I am NOT a "Complaint Free" Christian.

Several years ago my husband and I passed a church that some family members of ours attended. There was a sign out front that said "Complaint Free Church". My husband made a comment about it and said "Maybe we should be Complaint Free Christians..." He was joking and since then its been a running joke between the two of us.

We have talked about our families and our church friends, the people we know and how everyone (mostly) expects you to be "complaint free". The definition of complain means: to express grief, pain or discontent. The definition of complaint means the same or dissatisfaction or something that is the cause or subject of protest or outcry. How in the world can we be Christians AND complaint free? Why would we not express our dissatisfaction with the world and all it has become? Why would we not outcry (a strong protect or objection) against those things that are against God's will? Our job is to bring others closer to God, to knowing Him and His will.....we are not going to acheive this by living in our own little world and sitting tight making friends, making people comfortable or by just going to church together. Here's a great song that comes to mind:

And another:

Even today I am in a battle with what is both spiritually and naturally wrong. As I am approached with such topics or notions I am constantly asking God "What do I do, What do I say?" Sometimes there is a mix between what God is telling me and what are my personal feelings. I try my best to base my personal feelings on what Gods word says, but sometimes Satan enters your mind. You have to be very careful not to let your gaurd down. Satan's lie to people often comes in the form of someone saying "What will unbelievers think?" For the most part, thats a good question. However, when a "Christian" says they believe in God and the bible and then also says they believe in sinning. What does THAT make unbelievers think? To me it makes them think "Man, they can't even get their stuff straight." Nothing makes us look worse, than being viewed as hypocritical and wavering.

This particular church that had that sign out front, has Christians that believe whatever they want to believe. Some believe in Hell, some think you make your own. Some think being gay is ok, some do not. Some believe in abortion, some don't. Etc. Etc. No one is placing what they believe wholeheartedly on the word of God. Most of them probably haven't read their bibles and if they have pick and choose what they want to believe instead of taking it for what it is. Churches we have attended have had the same view. My husband and I will disagree and agree on many things and one of them that we disagree about is why we go to church. He believes we go to church to listen and talk soley about God. He does not think its a place to be social. I disagree, I think its the very place to be social. We are not called by God to just sit in a sermon on Sunday morning and then walk out the door and hope to retain it until the next Sunday. (And I know my husband does not believe that is what you should do either) But we are to have fellowship, which is by definition: the state of sharing mutual interests, experiences, activities, etc Another definiation says family. We are brothers and sisters that share a common interest: God, our experiences make our lives all very different, but with our common interest we are able to come together, form friendships, relationships and learn from one another. We study the bible together and grow-this is the purpose of the church. Its not a place we go to pretend, make everyone feel all warm inside and save our place in Heaven because we're worried if we don't attend "church" we won't make it there.

Fortunately........and unforunately...I'm a truth seeker. I think I been since the day I was born. Ask anyone that knows me, I question everything and everyone. I so desperatly seek the answers most want to ignore because its outside their comfort zone or doesnt "involve" them. But only God knows a mans heart and only He will know the truth in all things. And although I may not know the truth in a mans heart, I do know the truth of whats natural and Gods. We find many scriptures that anyone can pull out of the bible that say "do not judge" so we are constantly reminded-especially when in an arguement over Gods word that we aren't suppose to judge. However, when read from front to back, its clear what we are and are not suppose to "judge" When our brothers or sisters are sinning, we are to call them out on it, if they do not change, we are to disown them until they do. Its not because we dont love them, but because we do. And sin taints people. When unbelievers are involved, sure we take things a little differently and we minister to them as best we can. It may take time, either way, so lots of praying and persistance is needed. "Judging" within the church is acceptable, here is just one example:

1 Corinthians 5:9-13 (New International Version)

 ⁹ I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— ¹⁰ not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. ¹¹ But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister^[a] but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.

 ¹² What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? ¹³ God will judge those outside. “Expel the wicked person from among you.”

^{So, here we are "Christians" with a million ways of "thinking" and varying life experiences. We are told to put ourselves out there to minister Gods word to those who don't know it. The best way, the only way to do this effectively is knowing it. Corruption or doubt within the church does no one good, that said there will always be something because people do not like to get out of their shells, they don't like causing a rift, or pushing buttons. We find a church we like and we get comfortable, we dont want to lose friends, we want people to like us, we want to sing or act in plays, teach or plan events. No one wants to "complain".}

^{I say do it! Don't be a Complaint Free Christian, COMPLAIN! Do whatever is nesseccary to keep Gods word alive and moving. You can love one another without a facade. As a family, believers, you should be able to say "No, I'm not having a good day." Or in my case, "No its not been a good year." Stand up for what you think is wrong, or what you see wrong within. Don't waver on the word of God, the ten commandments are clear and so is his word. Abortion, Homosexuality, Drunkeness, Cheating, Lieing, Murdering, Raping, Jealousy, Etc. is all wrong, its all sin.  I am not a Complaint Free Christian and I will continue to stand up for the Word as long a I live. I will not waver in my beliefs, no matter how many "friends" I lose or how many "enemies" I make. Because our time here is fleeting, but our time with Him is forever.}





Songs of my Life

Here are some of the songs I think sum up my life-not all by far, but these are songs I can relate to and love listening to.

"Miscarriage" My Story

A friend had a miscarriage this past week and it reminded me of my own experience in the subject. I was 16 and in a serious relationship with a boy I thought I'd be with forever, Michael. I thought I had it all figured out-and got pregnant a year or so into our relationship. We immediatly were scared, being young and not sure of how your parents will react will do that. Trying to be responsible, we both told our parents and they were for obvious reasons, not pleased. His parents wanted me to give the baby up for adoption or have an abortion. My parents wanted me to figure out what was best for me, but didnt want it to ruin my life. My sisters and others encouraged abortion. I knew then that abortion was not the route I was going to go and I didnt think I could give my child away....so I had pretty much already made my mind up to keep the baby. Since I found out so early in my pregnancy, I was at my second ultra sound when I found out. "There is no heartbeat" the doctor said. My being scared had overcome my joy so being young I really hadnt had time to put all the peices together before that day-and now there wasnt a heartbeat. I left, in shock, holding a picture of my now "dead" baby and called my boyfriend in tears.

I didn't know how to handle the information. Immediatly the doctors had said we needed to either do a D&C or wait until the baby naturally came out, which would be painful with heavy bleeding. I decided to do the D&C and a couple days later we were at the hospital. I woke up crying hysterically, realizing that my baby was now gone. There was no comfort. I went home and didnt get out of bed for 4 days. (Now I know that having the baby naturally would have given me time to heal and put the baby to rest)

I missed all MAP testing and had to make it up later, all the while barely making it through the testing because all I could think about was how a life, my son or daughter was gone. And because I was a teen, everyone thought it was best and I never had a chance to heal.

The pain of the miscarriage didn't just affect me...it affected my boyfriend. He was devestated. I never thought at that age especially that a boy would cry, but he did. It was a horrible reality. We ended up fighting continuosly and it seemed we couldn't get past the loss. 6 months later I ended it abruptly and I still regret the way I handled things to this day. That time in my life is forever in my heart. Losing a life, losing your child can destroy you and after ending my relationship, I binged on alcohol and drugs for over a year, having sex with multiple guys and I didn't care about myself at all. ...

The saving grace of God in this is that he sent me Luke. A man that called me out of the blue one day because he needed a ride somewhere. And we've been inseperable since, God gave me three more beautiful healthy children and I am so grateful and happy. Out of respect for my husband, I talk about it as little as possible.I have only mentioned in  a handful of times but since my friends experience, we have talked about it since-or I have talked and he has listened. And since it was with another man its understandable his being uncomfortable. Since all of this, I have now realized why God tells you to wait until you get married to have sex....the bond between a man and woman when sex is involved can be hard to forget. This is why I have plenty of reasons to give my children the ability to make better choices than I made and to provide them with a stable family and parents that will be there forever. Someday, when its time they will know about my miscarriage.

Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution

Just like everyone else, I want food that is quick, easy and tastes good. And in today's world, that's what we get and what we're used to. Long ago, this was not the case, food was grown locally and disributed in small markets and etc. everything essentially was made from scratch and pretty healthy. Now, we have no idea what we're eating and often our food is coming from places like Quatemala! So, I'm testing myself and my husband to really change our eating habits. Its hard and sense our fridge and pantry already have "bad stuff" in them, I am taking this time to really research the right way to go about it. Whether its making my own bread, planting a garden, etc. I'm no pro and being a busy mom of 3 its a lot to add to my plate. But I am determined and I think if more people knew where their food came from, they would be to. Check this out:

http://www.jamieoliver.com/foundation/

If this information and other research doesn't get you thinking (or caring) I don't know what will!

CMS is not the same as PMS!

So, the other night after a disagreement with my husband, I'm laying in bed thinking about the argument. As I am laying there thinking about how he used words like "nagging", etc. I can't get past the thought that I had that was simply, "I'm not nagging, I'm talking!" And there it hit me, Pre Menstrual Syndrom is NOT the same as Cranky Mom Syndrom. And just because I don't like what you are doing or saying, does not mean that I am PMSing...it could mean I just have an opinion, but it could also mean: I'm CRANKY!

I don't know why it is men always think you must be having your "monthly" because we are cranky, but its a common misconception. From now on I am labeling my bad days with CMS! :)

CMS:
Sleep Deprivation
Kids under age 10
Hungry
Back, Leg pain or other ailment
Sore nipples (Breastfeeding baby)
Doesn't want to cook because of above <----
Etc.

That being said, I love my husband and men have some sort of syndrom to...I'm just not sure what it is yet.... :)