"Miscarriage" My Story

A friend had a miscarriage this past week and it reminded me of my own experience in the subject. I was 16 and in a serious relationship with a boy I thought I'd be with forever, Michael. I thought I had it all figured out-and got pregnant a year or so into our relationship. We immediatly were scared, being young and not sure of how your parents will react will do that. Trying to be responsible, we both told our parents and they were for obvious reasons, not pleased. His parents wanted me to give the baby up for adoption or have an abortion. My parents wanted me to figure out what was best for me, but didnt want it to ruin my life. My sisters and others encouraged abortion. I knew then that abortion was not the route I was going to go and I didnt think I could give my child away....so I had pretty much already made my mind up to keep the baby. Since I found out so early in my pregnancy, I was at my second ultra sound when I found out. "There is no heartbeat" the doctor said. My being scared had overcome my joy so being young I really hadnt had time to put all the peices together before that day-and now there wasnt a heartbeat. I left, in shock, holding a picture of my now "dead" baby and called my boyfriend in tears.

I didn't know how to handle the information. Immediatly the doctors had said we needed to either do a D&C or wait until the baby naturally came out, which would be painful with heavy bleeding. I decided to do the D&C and a couple days later we were at the hospital. I woke up crying hysterically, realizing that my baby was now gone. There was no comfort. I went home and didnt get out of bed for 4 days. (Now I know that having the baby naturally would have given me time to heal and put the baby to rest)

I missed all MAP testing and had to make it up later, all the while barely making it through the testing because all I could think about was how a life, my son or daughter was gone. And because I was a teen, everyone thought it was best and I never had a chance to heal.

The pain of the miscarriage didn't just affect me...it affected my boyfriend. He was devestated. I never thought at that age especially that a boy would cry, but he did. It was a horrible reality. We ended up fighting continuosly and it seemed we couldn't get past the loss. 6 months later I ended it abruptly and I still regret the way I handled things to this day. That time in my life is forever in my heart. Losing a life, losing your child can destroy you and after ending my relationship, I binged on alcohol and drugs for over a year, having sex with multiple guys and I didn't care about myself at all. ...

The saving grace of God in this is that he sent me Luke. A man that called me out of the blue one day because he needed a ride somewhere. And we've been inseperable since, God gave me three more beautiful healthy children and I am so grateful and happy. Out of respect for my husband, I talk about it as little as possible.I have only mentioned in  a handful of times but since my friends experience, we have talked about it since-or I have talked and he has listened. And since it was with another man its understandable his being uncomfortable. Since all of this, I have now realized why God tells you to wait until you get married to have sex....the bond between a man and woman when sex is involved can be hard to forget. This is why I have plenty of reasons to give my children the ability to make better choices than I made and to provide them with a stable family and parents that will be there forever. Someday, when its time they will know about my miscarriage.

Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution

Just like everyone else, I want food that is quick, easy and tastes good. And in today's world, that's what we get and what we're used to. Long ago, this was not the case, food was grown locally and disributed in small markets and etc. everything essentially was made from scratch and pretty healthy. Now, we have no idea what we're eating and often our food is coming from places like Quatemala! So, I'm testing myself and my husband to really change our eating habits. Its hard and sense our fridge and pantry already have "bad stuff" in them, I am taking this time to really research the right way to go about it. Whether its making my own bread, planting a garden, etc. I'm no pro and being a busy mom of 3 its a lot to add to my plate. But I am determined and I think if more people knew where their food came from, they would be to. Check this out:

http://www.jamieoliver.com/foundation/

If this information and other research doesn't get you thinking (or caring) I don't know what will!

CMS is not the same as PMS!

So, the other night after a disagreement with my husband, I'm laying in bed thinking about the argument. As I am laying there thinking about how he used words like "nagging", etc. I can't get past the thought that I had that was simply, "I'm not nagging, I'm talking!" And there it hit me, Pre Menstrual Syndrom is NOT the same as Cranky Mom Syndrom. And just because I don't like what you are doing or saying, does not mean that I am PMSing...it could mean I just have an opinion, but it could also mean: I'm CRANKY!

I don't know why it is men always think you must be having your "monthly" because we are cranky, but its a common misconception. From now on I am labeling my bad days with CMS! :)

CMS:
Sleep Deprivation
Kids under age 10
Hungry
Back, Leg pain or other ailment
Sore nipples (Breastfeeding baby)
Doesn't want to cook because of above <----
Etc.

That being said, I love my husband and men have some sort of syndrom to...I'm just not sure what it is yet.... :)

Parenting my kids

Everyone's parenting style is different, just like everyones background is different.. So when it comes to parenting I find myself a lone sheep as you will because I'm DIFFERENT. Not to say there arent similiar parenting styles out there, there are and not to say I'm so different no one can relate, because everyone can relate in one way or another. Just in the instance, that no one is quite like me-or my husband. We have approached it head on, just trying to get it right, we don't always and fail often. But everyday we get up (or all night we stay up) being parents.

Its a wonderful thing really, God trusts you with this tiny baby that you have to care for or -it will die. Both physically and spiritually. As they grow, they test you and test you and TEST YOU and TEEESSSSSSTTTTTTT YYOOOOOUUUU! But they are yours and cute and cudly and no one will ever love them more than you do. As my kids grow up I find myself not always being that picture perfect mom, actually more times then not I can say I go man I wish I would have done that differently. But whats done is done and you just try again the next day.

I am raising three wonderful, beautiful, smart boys and they are Gods gift to me and my husband. I get them for a short while, then I am to give them back. I get to watch their first step, feed them their first food and play with them while belly laughs roll out of their mouths. Then I get to watch them learn how to read and I get to teach them what I know....and someday when they get older, I'll know what I get to do then. :) Because right now I have NO clue! I'm learning each and everyday, how to be patient (which isnt a good trait of mine), how to say No, to laugh more and take things less serious, to enjoy smelling the roses and hugs. There is nothing in the world like it. And there is nothing in the world I would trade it for.....

To be continued

March 7th, 2011

"Even when someone tells you the love you, inside you say to yourself, Yes, but you don't know the whole truth about me. You might not say these things if you really knew...Knowing and being known go to the core of life: You cannot be fully loved if you are not fully known. You can only be loved to the extent that you are known. You can only be completely loved if you are completely known."

This was on my daily calendar called "The life you've always wanted" by John Ortberg. I picked it up for free on the "free" MOPS table and have been using it the last couple of days. The quote resinated with me. Some people would know why automatically, others would wonder. In my life, always, I've been a truth seeker. I'm not perfect, which means I'm not always completely honest, but my ability to lie is about nil. I just don't have it in me. Sure, I can lie, anyone can lie, I just don't like to and I've never been very good at it. I'm pretty sure my mom knew just about every bad thing I did as a teenager, regardless of my lies.

Anyhow, being a truth seeker and someone who HATES lies and etc. I have always been as honest and forthright as I can be. In that, I'm honest to a fault. People do NOT always want to hear the truth, whether its fact, or your truth (or opinion). Mostly people get annoyed and feel put off like your a pesimist or judgemental. Biologically, my aunt, who I love dearly is very much like this to. Being a truth seeker in this world, can be your death sentence. So for me, someone who is honest to a fault, its also the way that I deal with "love" and being "loved".

Being honest with those around me about who I am and what I feel has always been important to me. Maybe because I wasnt allowed to express myself as a young child or because God called me to greater things I just havent found yet. Regardless, I can't help it. And just like anyone else, there are things, sins, I have commited that I have questioned why anyone would love me. And then there are times where I feel alone and wonder if anyone really understands who I am. So this quote made me think, thats me. Right there smack dab on a peice of paper....honest to a fault and letting people know me, so that they can love me. Weird, I know.

I also however realize that I am loved. My husband loves me, my boys love me, my dog loves me, however pets can love. That I have sprinkled family who also love me throughout and for that I am grateful. I am not everyone's cup of tea, but for those who know me, and love me for who I am...I am grateful. I'm just like everyone else, searching for relationships that are meaningful and going through life one day at a time.

Woe is Me...

Every now and then I get to pull the "woe is me" card. Now is then. I feel like I am constantly saying to myself, why? Why don't we have enough money? Why don't the boys listen? Why is my husband working so hard? Why is God testing me? Why isn't our families more involved? Why do I have to fight so hard? What am I fighting for? Who are my real friends? Who can I trust? Why is this important? Why am I worrying? Why am I envious? What am I missing? Why? Why? Why?

I feel like I am going insane sometimes asking myself why and never getting an answer. You know when you ask God for something a million times and he doesnt give it to you? And people say "Be careful what you ask for." I feel like thats me...over and over and over and over again. What am I doing wrong here? Am I fighting for the WRONG things? Am I envious of there situation? WHY WHY WHY?!?!?

I keep thinking that eventually it will all make sense. That someday God will bless us in a way we understand....and then somedays I think God is testing me because I'm meant for something greater. Or someday God will bless us financially and we won't struggle so hard. Or I am blessed I am just missing it focusing to much on worldly things......

Well, there is would be wouldn't it. Why DO I CARE? Why? Someday I'm going to be dead right? Someday I'm not going to be able to take my house or my things with me. I have children now and a husband now who love me. If they don't want to be involved-its there loss...if they want to be snobby and snooty and rub it in my face every chance they get, let them. Because I know what I have and I am grateful for what God has given me. My flesh will not win here. The blood of the lamb is over my door....is it over yours?

Parents who aren't parents...or grandparents...

Regularly I think about my mother, who are the age of 16 did not want a child and ended up with me. We all know how that happens, but apparently it didnt stop her or my father. So I was born into a world that didnt want me....and after 2 years of physical abuse, including molestation, I was finally taken away from my mother and her husband (not my father). I saw her off and on for years, but the last time I saw her I was about 10 or 11. She was always making excuses why she couldnt come, so it ended. My grandparents only saw me a couple times over the years and quit giving me gifts for birthdays and such when I asked them to come see me instead...

When I was 16, I contacted my dad who I have formed a relationship with and he is involved in our lives as much as he can be with his circumstances.  Drugs and alcohol played a part in destroying my fathers life and now he is trying to amend the things he did. He is loving to my children and I have forgiven him for all he put me through.

When I was 17, I contacted my mother who denied all the things I knew to be fact and didnt want to see me. When I wrote her a letter about being pregnant with her first grandchild, she wrote me saying to never contact her again. Of course theres more detail to it, but thats the jist of it. To this day, I have no contact with her....and I hate it. I wish my mom, acted like a mom. I want my children to know their grandmother, to have family.

But that wasnt in my plans and may never be. For now God has blessed me with two parents who adopted me and a family, though not normal and has problems, cares about me. I still feel alone, but I was given a home. And I love my parents, dearly.

When I met  my husband, who had been on his own for two years, he also had a broken family. My husband felt it to leave his home at 16, to live on peoples couches and try to figure out where he fit in in this world. At 18 he had an apartment that he shared with another guy and paid his share of bills. He didnt have a car, but rode his skateboard or walked to work everyday. He was turning into his own man. Sure he had problems, but we found eachother broken and all. And fell in love.

Soon we became parents ourselves and it was all to real to us what we wanted to do differently and etc. We've struggled and certaintly aren't perfect, we cuss, we fight, but we love and we love hard. We don't give up and will fight for our family-our boys and eachother. Through the years I've gotten to know what its like to raise kids without a normal family. My husbands parents only come around when its convenient for them and mostly dont come around. We've always been worried about how the kids will handle the favoritism and etc. that goes on between them as well....and as the kids get older we feel the need to protect them more and more. Especially me. I'm a mom and I cannot for the life of me understand why you would have children and walk away, even with them in your house, be uninvolved, let them fail in life. Put your life before theirs.

My husband was unable to stop the cheating his father did while they were children, or the drugs both of his parents participated in, but when he was old enough he was able to change the environment for himself and for his children. We both were. We try and give our children what they don't and its a struggle. I know what God intended family to be, but I also know what God said would happen. For those who follow God, it will be brother against brother and father against son...and so it is. A constant battle for parents who are parents and for grandparents who are grandparents.....but people who were put in our lives, no matter how bad to make us who we are today......

So this is me, thanking God for making our parents NOT parents and NOT grandparents...Thank you for giving us the ability to form our family, to your standards and for loving us enough to do so. I am grateful for your lessons and even though we are alone on this earth in the flesh, our soul is filled with your love and we see it everyday in our children.